buckethead.

"What are you supposed to be?" "I am Snow White." Oh right, how did I not figure that out? . You are clearly wearing a striped skirt with your ass checks hanging out, a corset, and thigh highs. How did the red bow in your bleached out hair not give it all away? (I really can't hate on the bleachies. I was once a bleached head too. Moving on) How come men never wear sexy Disney costumes? I am dying to see a sexy Jafar or a sexy Mufasa? Where are all the little "sexy" dwarfs in cut off jean shorts and mesh belly shirts with tiny caps? I live for the day. Live for it.

*I try to avoid the sexy girl Halloween costumes that consumes the majority of the women that I know. I try to be something that I think really represents my personality. One year, I was bubbles from Powerpuff Girls. The next, Patsy from Absolutely Fabulous. "Acting" like a drunk comes naturally to me. Sometimes I like to keep it sweet. A doll. Pink cheeks, dress to the knees, white tights. It was almost too easy. Well, not as easy as Josh and Lisa's costumes. They showed up from Florida on Halloween night to surprise everyone. They had brought custom made costumes.....sheets.....with eyeholes cut out. Classic. I think Josh might have cut out a hole by his mouth so that he could smoke but other than that, pure simplicity. I was the only person at the whole bar who even knew it was them. Truly a disguise.


We leave the bar and go to a party at my friend Jay's house. There are all sorts of crazy costumes there! There was a duck, zombies, doctors, an entire lumberjack team, the occasional Disney skank and then there was "Buckethead." I am not exactly sure what Buckethead's costume was. A robot? The tinman? He literally just had an upside down bucket on his head. It is still a mystery to me. Buckethead proceeds to talk to me, hands me a balloon and follows it with a big grin. "Thanks for the balloon?" I tie it at the end and hold it like I am at the Illinois State Fair completely unaware why he even gave it to me. But I am drunk and when I am drunk I just accept gifts without question. He starts to laugh and says "you're supposed to hit it." Hit it? What does that mean? In my head I picture my self lightly spanking this balloon. Then it comes to me. Ohhhhhhh.......it's like helium. So I poke a hole in the balloon and suck out a little bit of the air. Buckethead is clearly annoyed. "I cannot believe you just wasted it. It was a whip-it." A WHIP-IT? I am a fucking adult! I never do drugs but come on, at least offer me some cocaine or maybe a little heroine. Make me feel like a grown-up. But a whip-it? Does this mean I have to move back in with my parents and start working at the mall again? Great.


To make a long story short(er): I end up leaving Buckethead, getting completely trashed (whip-it free), wondering away from the party and waking up the next day in a doll costume laying next to a lumberjack in a bed that is ten feet from the the ground. How the hell did this happen? More importantly, how the hell do I get down from this bed without a ladder and without waking the sleeping giant? So I jumped onto a bucket that was placed on the counter that was next to the excessively tall bed. I was free. All I had to do was walk home, passed all the yard sales, dressed like a doll. But in the end I was saved by a bucket.........*

My friend is from Brazil and he told me that if America had Carnival then maybe the girls here wouldn't dress so skanky around Halloween. I told him, "America doesn't have Carnaval but we definitely have carnivals." Tweety t-shirts, gravatrons, turkey legs, airbrushed hats and maybe the Beach Boys playing at the Grandstand. Talk about sexy. I think I am going to play safe next Halloween. Garth Algar. Imagine waking up with that in your bed. Aerosmith shirt on the floor and fried blond hair all over your pillow. "I like to play." Party on.